I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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