I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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