OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
