I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
my poor anus
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
