you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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