Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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