she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love you. Go after that dick
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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