Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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