I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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