atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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