Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
