Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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