Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
