yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
