Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
