In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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