white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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