I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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