I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
