he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
