I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
