i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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