Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
