I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
