Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
