I want you more than these girls want KFC
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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