Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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