I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
