not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
bring money and cleavage
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
