i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
