I accidentally had phone sex last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
