Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
