Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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