My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
