The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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