oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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