We won't sleep together?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
