ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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