New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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