Kiss
Puke
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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