an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
