You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
