in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
