I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
