the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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