Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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