I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
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