so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
