My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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