My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
