Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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