there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize