i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
