We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
