i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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