they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The best revenge is premature balding
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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