my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
