i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
