when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
