No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
