Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dignity is for republicans.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
