Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
